Losing It (part two)

By Amy





I have started this post about four times now. I'm not sure where to begin and I don't want you to think I'm being to dramatic or thinking to much about this. And I don't want you to worry about me because I am ok. REALLY. In a nutshell here are some random thoughts.

~ Just because you see that magic number on the scale, it doesn't turn you into a happy, strong, confident woman. And that can be very, very disappointing.

~If I had a friend who talked to me the way I talk to myself I would have a hard time not shoving her to the ground. And if my husband threw the same insults at me that I tell myself? I would leave.

~ Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments. They make me feel weird and awkward and I have to force myself to say thank you and not go into a whole conversation about what I don't like about myself.

~ I think about my sweet niece and all the girls that I love. I wonder when they will start picking at there bodies. It's starting younger these days and that makes me so sad. There are girls as young as nine that are on diets and worried about their bodies. How do you raise strong, confident daughters but not go overboard and have them turn out conceited or with a "I'm better then everyone else" attitude? And do they see the hypocrisy in your eyes when you beat yourself up about your weight/body but tell them that a number on a scale is just a number?

~ I am grateful. Really I am. I am healthy. I have a amazing family. Incredible job. Did you read my sisters last post? On June 6th we are meeting in the Seattle airport. And then flying to Sitka. And boarding my bosses yacht. I can't tell you how excited i am. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen her? A year. A YEAR. So I get a week with my sister. In Alaska. On a boat that is fully staffed. Yes please.

~ I went to a exhibit last week with 158 Pulitzer Prize photographs. I went by myself because I didn't know how I would react. I actually held it together quite well. And some of the pictures were horrific. The dying baby on the desert floor with a vulture only 6 feet away. Just waiting. Multiple assassinations. The plane exploding into the second twin tower. The one that made my eyes spill over was of a soldier. He was holding a card in his hand from his wife. Pressing it to his nose. Trying to get the scent of her, the smell of home. I have no idea why that was the one that put me over the edge. But the bottom line is that my issues are so petty compared with all the suffering that is going on in the world. I need to just get over myself and not spend so much time and energy trying to figure out why I'm not happy with myself. Enough already!

~ I promise my next post will be full of sunshine and rainbows. Just kidding! Well you never know. It might be. My moods have kind of been all over the place lately so I guess you never know what you are going to get with me. In the same day I can feel a deep dark sadness and hours later feel so happy my chest feels like it will burst open. Keeps you guessing right? Me too.